


A Monster

by sirknightmordred



Series: Alec Has A Painful Past [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-18
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-12-16 19:08:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11835144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sirknightmordred/pseuds/sirknightmordred
Summary: “I was eleven, or twelve around that age when these memories came back to me. I didn’t understand. I was confused and scared. I felt this overwhelming depression. It swallowed me whole, Magnus.” Alec says, the tears shining in his eyes now. “I try to fight it. I try.”





	A Monster

**Author's Note:**

> Please do read the tags.

“The first time I tried to kill myself I was eleven.” Alec says slowly, the tears ready to fall.

“Alec, you don’t have to…” Magnus says gently.

“No- No, you should know.”

 Magnus closes his mouth, the tension in the room reaching boiling points. Alec’s demeanor is so serious, so sad, Magnus can’t help but let him do or say whatever he wants. The pain that comes out with his words is so real and so raw, Magnus feels a sword like object piercing his heart. What he wouldn’t give for Alec to not have to suffer the way he has. To not have gone through whatever he did. Magnus doesn’t really know what it was, and if he is honest with himself he probably doesn’t want to know. But Alec wants to tell him, so he’ll listen. He’ll hold his hand, hold him close, and tell him everything is going to be alright when he’s not even sure. He’ll do anything to silence that pain, to help stop his suffering, because watching him in pain, causes him to feel pain too. His heart feels like It’s being crushed and all he can think of is how to take the pain away for Alec. To make him happy again. To make him okay. But he knows that life is never that easy.

“I was eleven, or twelve around that age when these memories came back to me. I didn’t understand. I was confused and scared. I felt this overwhelming depression. It swallowed me whole, Magnus.” Alec says, the tears shining in his eyes now. “I try to fight it. I try.”

“I know you do, love, I know.” Magnus says softly as he rubs small circles his thumb on Alec’s hand that he holds gently.

“I feel so wrong. So messed up. Like I’m damaged goods. That I’ll never be good enough.”

“You are good enough, Alexander, no matter what anyone else says. And whatever happened to you, I can promise you it was not your fault.”

 Alec’s tears start to fall then, slowly as Magnus pulls him into his arms. Alec feels so lost and confused. The innocence every human being is given was taken from him. He’ll never be able to put the pieces that broke him back together again. Magnus says it wasn’t his fault, but he knows better. He knows what he did. He wasn’t a victim, he was- he is a horrible person. He’s a monster, an abomination. It doesn’t matter that there’s angel blood that fills his veins, he is more demonic than any other demon known. Even in Magnus’s arms where he feels the safest, the most protected, he’s still on edge. He’s always on edge. Maybe that will never change. The constant fear the something is going to happen. That a door will bang open, heavy footsteps, a presence, hands and the words ‘be a good boy’ being said. The unknowing dark mass that hurts him so, with no name, no identity, because there is none. There is no name for this monster. This monster that turned him into one too.

“Alec, you need to breathe.” It’s Magnus’s voice, piercing through his train of thought.

 His mind catches up to his body and he realizes that he’s not breathing right. That he can’t. His chest is heaving, his mouth gasping for breath. His arms flail around trying to find something to ground him. He finds Magnus. Magnus who holds onto him, telling him gently, yet urgently to breathe. That everything is going to be okay. That he is safe. That he will be okay. But Alec can hardly make it out, his vision is fuzzy and his head is light. He feels himself floating, even with Magnus’s grounding arms around him. He is floating. He’s not here anymore. He’s lost somewhere in unconscious and consciousness. The only thing he can make out is a heartbeat.

 His memories have always been fuzzy and unreliable. It’s why for so long he didn’t believe it. He didn’t believe that what happened really happened. Even though on some level he’s accepted what happened, what happened to him, he still has doubts. He still wonders if maybe he’s making it up, or if his memories of current things that happened just got skewered and turned into something else. That the depression, the panic attacks, whatever the hell it is when he forgets where he is and who he is. Where he loses time and he feels those emotions, when he sees those things. He sometimes thinks that maybe it’s just him. That he’s not good enough. That he’s not a good soldier or a good leader. That maybe he doesn’t deserve the title ‘Shadowhunter.’ Maybe, he sometimes thinks, maybe he should just quit. Not the work, but everything. Those nights, on the nights where he has those thoughts he trains until he can’t feel his hands anymore. Where he can’t feel his legs, where he’s so exhausted he falls asleep instantly. Those are the hard nights.

 Opening his eyes is almost painful. It’s dark and cool, and he’s wrapped in something warm and inviting. There’s arms around him, a hand in his hair, petting him gently. It’s soothing and confusing. But then he smells sandalwood and cinnamon, and he knows where he is. He knows that the feeling of rising and falling is Magnus’s chest, that he’s lying on him, listening to the faint noises of this heartbeat. He’s not back there. He’s not living through that again. He’s with Magnus, in his bed, safe. So why doesn’t he feel completely safe? Why is he still on edge? Why is he terrified?

“Hey.” Magnus says softly. “How are you doing?”

 Alec looks up, still slightly confused. “What happened?”

 His voice is croaky, making Magnus momentarily stop the petting of his hair. “You had a panic attack, love, it was a bad one. Maybe something more.”

 Alec swallows deeply. “I’m sorry.”

 Magnus looks saddened. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Alexander, other than perhaps scaring me.”

 Alec looks down, guilty.

“I didn’t mean it like that, I- I care about you and I’m worried. Perhaps you need more help than I, or your family can give you.”

 Alec’s heart falls through his stomach. “Maybe.”

 Magnus leans down and kisses the top of Alec’s head, gently. He pulls back and Alec moves his head more toward Magnus’s chest. Into his jacket, almost like he is trying to hide or slip away… To be lost.

 Maybe.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is always welcome.


End file.
